50 Universes of Twilight or Something
by darkNnerdy
Summary: Prequel to 50 Shades of Absorbency. Pure Crack fic of a crack of a crack. I own nothing. My brain is crying and my eyes need to be stabbed. Read at your own risk. Rated M for weirdness. Kirk Cameron does not approve.


**I would like to thank butter, without it masturbating might not be possible. There are others I want to thank, so thank you, you beautiful crazy people. You know who you are! A crack fic on a crack fic on a crack fic. Based on true events, maybe. **

**I have no idea who owns this. I own nipple clamps and battery acid. Any person, places, or things are not owned by me and are fake. Okay?**

**You're welcome.**

I scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror. Damn my hair, it just won't behave, and damn EL Icy for being ill and subjecting me to this ordeal**(Don't worry we all damn her too)**. I have tried to brush my hair into submission but it's not toeing the line. I must learn not to sleep with it wet. **(That's what she said)**

I recite this five times as a mantra whilst I try, once more, with the brush. I give up. The only thing I can do is restrain it, tightly, in a pony tail and hope that I look reasonably presentable.

EL Icy is my roommate and she has chosen, okay, that's a bit unfair, because choice has had nothing to do with it, but she has the flu and as such cannot do the interview she's arranged with some mega industrialist for the student newspaper. So I have been volunteered. I have final exams to cram for, one essay to finish and I am supposed to be working this afternoon, but no - today - I have to head into downtown Seattle and meet the enigmatic CEO of Cullen Enterprise Holdings, Inc. Allegedly he's some exceptional tycoon who is a major benefactor of our University and his time is extraordinarily precious… much more precious than mine - and he's granted EL Icy an interview… a real coup she tells me… Damn her extra-curricular activities. **(Yes! Damn her to the pits of hell!)**

―AnaBella I'm sorry. It took me nine months **(have to hide a baby maybe?) **to get this interview and it will take another six to reschedule, and you and I will both have graduated by then. As the editor I can't blow this out…**(She's right, blowing is hard work)** Please.‖ EL Icybegs me in her rasping, really sore throat voice…**(I bet it was all he blowing)**

I stare at her red-rimmed runny eyes, her bright pink nose…**(Ugh Syphilis is the WORST)**

―Of course, I'll go EL Icy. You should go back to bed. Would you like some paracetamol?‖

―Yes please. Here are the questions and my minidisk recorder. Just press record here. Make notes, I'll transcribe it all.‖

―I know nothing about him.‖ My voice is anxious.

―The questions will see you through… go… I don't want you to be late. **(Of course not! Look what happened to you when you were O_O)**

―Okay… I'm going… I have a long drive. Go back to bed, but please make sure you eat - I made you some soup to heat up later.‖ I stare at her fondly…. only for you EL Icy would I do this. **(Maybe she's her pimp)**

―I will. Good luck… and thanks AnaBella, you're a life saver as usual.‖

I smiled wryly at her and head out the door to our room.**(And everyone said she couldn't do crooked)**

I cannot believe I have let EL Icy talk me into this. But then EL Icy can talk anyone into

anything. She'll make an exceptional journalist. She's articulate, strong, persuasive, argumentative… beautiful, and she's my dearest, dearest friend. **(CoughBSCough)**

The roads are clear as I set off from Portland; it's early and I don't have to be in Seattle until two this afternoon.

Fortunately she's lent me her car. I'm not sure my old truck would be up for the journey.

Well, it is the least she can do - I frown into the rearview mirror - but I have to say her sporty BMW Z4 is so much more fun to drive than my truck and the miles slip away as I put my foot down.**( I also put my foot down. WTF why no sexy times yet? BORING)**

It's cloudy, but at least it's not raining as I make my way into the city. The Seattle traffic is heavy, **(WAIT! I thought it was clear a minute ago? Im so confused. Maybe she caught the Syphilis too?) **but I have an hour to go and I'm feeling fairly confident that I should be able to find somewhere to park… Thank heavens for the Sat Nav on the Z4 otherwise I'd be royally screwed. **(Just wait)**

My destination is the headquarters of Mr Cullen's global enterprise. It's a huge thirtystorey office building, all curved glass and steel, an architect's utilitarian fantasy with Cullen House written discreetly in steel over the glass front doors. It's a quarter to two and

I feel an immense sense of relief that I'm not late as I walk into the enormous, frankly intimidating, glass, steel and white sandstone, first floor foyer. **(JFC how many times we gonna mention Glass and Steel? FYI Neither are very erotic unless they are in the form of a huge didlo. Wait... are they?)**

Behind the solid sandstone desk a very attractive blonde haired young woman smiles pleasantly at me. She's wearing the sharpest charcoal suit jacket and white shirt I have ever seen… she looks immaculate. **(Im so turned on right now. Fuck! A jacket AND a shirt?)**

―I'm here to see Mr Cullen. Anabella Swan for Rosalie Hale.‖

―Excuse me one moment Miss Swan.‖ She arches her eyebrow slightly as I stand selfconsciously in front of her. I am beginning to wish I had borrowed one of EL Icy's jackets rather than wear my navy blue peacoat**(I'd like to, right here and now, declare the peacoat very UNsexy please stop using it, unless you're fuck in it. Does she do that?) .**. I have made an effort and worn my one and only skirt. It's brown, and I have sensible brown knee-length boots and a blue sweater. For me… this is smart. I tuck one of the escaped tendrils of my hair behind my ear as I pretend she doesn't intimidate me.

―Miss Icy is expected, please sign in here Miss Swan. You'll want the end lift **(We are in America right?) **on the right, press for the 30th floor.‖ She smiles kindly at me, amused no doubt as I sign in. She hands me a security pass that has VISITOR very firmly stamped on the front… personally I think it's obvious that I'm just visiting, I don't fit in here at all… nothing changes, I inwardly sigh… I thank her and walk over to the lifts, past the two security men who are both far more smartly dressed than me in their well-cut black suits.

The lift **(I guess not) **whisks me with unseemly haste to the thirtieth floor. The doors silently fly open and I'm in another large foyer, again all glass, steel and white sandstone. In front of me there's another desk of sandstone and another young blond woman dressed impeccably in black and white, who rises to greet me.**(Fucking HELL! sandstone dildos maybe?)**

―Miss Swan, could you wait here, please?‖ She points to a seated area of white leatherchairs. Behind the leather chairs is a large glass-walled meeting room with an enormous dark wood table and twenty dark wood chairs around it, beyond that a floor-to-ceiling window with a view of the Seattle skyline, looking out through the city towards the Pacific

Ocean. It's a stunning vista. I stand and admire it, momentarily distracted before I sit. **(Really all that over a view? Please tell me she falls out the window)**

I fish the questions out of my satchel and go through them, inwardly cursing EL Icy for not providing me with a brief biography.**(Umm... just a few paragraphs you seemed to know a hell of a lot about him. Wait... did she fall and you guys not tell me? WTF people)** I know nothing about this man I am about to interview. He could be 90, he could be in his 30s… My nerves are beginning to kick in - I am uncomfortable with this one-to-one stuff. I am much better in a group scenario… preferably not asking any questions… sitting somewhere in the back. Well, judging by the building - all clinical and modern - he's probably in his thirties… fit, tanned, blond, to match the rest of the personnel. **(He's Mike Newton right? You guys can tell me)**

Another elegant, flawlessly dressed blond comes out of a large door to the right. **(cause blondes have more fun) **What is it with all the immaculate blonds? It's like Stepford here… I take a deep breath and stand up.

―Miss Swan,‖ the latest blond asks.

―Yes…‖

―Mr Cullen will see you in a moment. May I take your jacket?‖**(thank god. Maybe she'll toss it out the view) **

―Oh please.‖ I struggle out of my pea coat.**(Does she fall? Please tell me she falls)**

―Have you been offered any refreshment?‖

―Err – no…‖ Oh dear, am I going to get Blond Number One into trouble?

She frowns and eyes the young woman at the desk.**(that bitch is getting fired)**

―Would you like tea, coffee, water?‖

―Glass of water would be lovely, thank you.‖

―Jessica, please fetch Miss Swan a glass of water.‖ She says sternly to the young woman atthe desk. Jessica scoots up **(honestly I would love to see this. like one of those retarded seals scooting in the sand) **immediately and walks to a door on the other side of the foyer.

―My apologies Miss Swan, Jessica is our new intern. Please be seated. Mr Cullen will probably be another five minutes.‖ Jessica returns with a large glass of iced water.

―Here you go Miss Swan.‖

―Thank you.‖ Blonde Number Two goes and sits at the sandstone desk at her station and they both continue their work.**(SHE HAS A NAME! At least I think she does)**

Perhaps Mr Cullen insists on all his employees being blonde… is that legal?**(I think we all know who's really obsessed with blondes here) ** I'm wondering idly, when the office door opens and a tall, elegantly dressed, rather beautiful black man exits. I have definitely worn the wrong clothes. He turns and says through the door,

―Golf, definitely, Cullen.‖I don't hear the reply. He turns, sees me and smiles kindly. Jessica has jumped up and called the lift.**(The visuals here are enchanting)**

―Good afternoon ladies,‖ he says as he departs through the sliding door.

―Mr Cullen will see you now, Miss Swan. Do go through,‖ Blonde Number Two says.

I stand rather shakily, collect my satchel, leave my water and make my way to the partially open door.

―You don't need to knock – just go in,‖ she smiles at me, and I push open the door and stumble through, tripping over my own feet as usual and falling head first into the office.**(Fuck yeah she finally fell! Damn that took forever.)**

**BLAH BLAH BLAH There is an interview and talking and staring and eye twitching, lip twitching. He undresses her with his eyes she feels all uncomfortable and ugly (same shit as always). She gets drunk Edward Van Halen says he's not into necrophilia, which is why he didn't have sex with her. Cause yeah a passed out girl equals a dead girl and apparently he likes his snatch still warm. **

"**Oh Edward, you can not want me, I am an ugly whore compared to your blonde harem!" She squeals like a pig.**

"**But that is precisely why I want you and your oinker AnaBella! Come to me. Be my slave. Love my dong. Come ride my pony. Let me dip my wick in your love slick." Edward Van Halen **

**Scarlotte OHare AnaBella moment, lots of bumbling and useless interacting AND Contract!**

There are several papers inside the envelope. I take them all out, my heart still pounding,** (PAPERCUT WHERE IS JASPER?) **and I sit back on my bed and begin to read.

**CONTRACT**

Made this day of 2009 (―The Commencement Date‖)

BETWEEN

MR EDWARD Van Halen of 60/1 Escala, Seattle, WA 98889

(―The Dominant‖)

MISS ANABELLA SWAN of 1114 SW Green Street, Apartment 7, Haven Heights,

Vancouver, WA 98888

(―The Submissive‖)

**THE PARTIES AGREE AS FOLLOWS**

1 The following are the terms of a binding contract between the Dominant and the

Submissive.

**FUNDAMENTAL TERMS**

2 The fundamental purpose of this contract is to allow the Submissive to explore her

sensuality and her limits safely, with due respect and regard for her needs, her limits and

her wellbeing.**(BRING ON THE RED ROOM OF PAIN BITCHES) **

3 The Dominant and the Submissive agree and acknowledge that all that occurs under the

terms of this contract will be consensual, confidential, and subject to the agreed limits and

safety procedures set out in this contract. Additional limits and safety procedures may be

agreed in writing. **(CAN I MAKE THIS STORY A HARD LIMIT?)**

4 The Dominant and the Submissive each warrant that they suffer from no sexual, serious,

infectious or life-threatening illnesses including but not limited to HIV, Herpes, and

Hepatitis. If during the Term (as defined below) or any extended term of this contract either

party should be diagnosed with or become aware of any such illness he or she undertakes to ~

inform the other immediately and in any event prior to any form of physical contact

between the parties.**(MUST REMEMBER TO ASK PIMP)**

5 Adherence to the above warranties, agreements and undertakings (and any additional

limits and safety procedures agreed under clause 3 above) are fundamental to this contract.

Any breach shall render it void with immediate effect and each party agrees to be fully

responsible to the other for the consequence of any breach.

6 Everything in this contract must be read and interpreted in the light of the fundamental

purpose and the fundamental terms set out in clauses 2-5 above.**(SO what your saying is Oh my! I think my inner goddess maybe in love with you already Van Halen)**

**ROLES**

7 The Dominant shall take responsibility for the wellbeing and the proper training,

guidance, and discipline of the Submissive. He shall decide the nature of such training,

guidance, and discipline and the time and place of its administration, subject to the agreed

terms, limitations and safety procedures set out in this contract or agreed additionally under

clause 3 above.**(Chains and belts and whips Oh my)**

8 If at any time the Dominant should fail to keep to the agreed terms, limitations and safety

procedures set out in this contract or agreed additionally under clause 3 above, the

Submissive is entitled to terminate this contract forthwith and to leave the service of the

Dominant without notice.

9 Subject to that proviso and to clauses 2-5 above, the Submissive is to serve and obey the

Dominant in all things. Subject to the agreed terms, limitations and safety procedures set

out in this contract or agreed additionally under clause 3 above she shall without query or hesitation offer the Dominant such pleasure as he may require and she shall accept without query or hesitation his training, guidance and discipline in whatever form it may take.**(Is anyone else bored already? Where's the freaky sex and the inner goddess? I WANT THE RED ROOM OF PAIN NOW)**

**Fuck it Im too bored. Lets have an intermission okay?**

―We're going to take it really slow this time, Anabella.‖ And very slowly he eases into me, to the hilt. **(if I open my legs real wide can someone point out my hilt?) **Stretching, filling, relentless. I groan loudly. It feels deeper this time.**(Oh shit he hit her hilt, is that another word for guts? Did he just bust it wide OPEN?)** Delectable.

I groan again, and he deliberately circles his hips and pulls back, pauses a beat, and then eases his way back in. **(Oh he sounds like a woman now! I remember this one time in band camp. I was on top too, the circling, the hitting my hilt, the swooning.) **He repeats this motion again and again. It's driving me insane, the feeling of fullness overwhelming. **(Okay I gotta stop it here. She's a virgin, she has no idea if he's really filling her. I mean can we safely say he isn't a pencil peen kinda guy? Pictures or you lie!)** ―You feel so good,‖ he groans and I can feel my insides start to quiver.**(Ewww watch out Eddie she's gonna hurl)** He pulls back and waits.

―Oh no, baby… Not yet.‖ he murmurs, and as the quivering ceases, he starts the whole delicious process again.

―Oh please,‖ I beg. I'm not sure I can take much more. My body is wound so tight, craving release. **(Or and antacid Anabella. Calm your tits)**

―I want you sore, baby,‖ he murmurs and he continues his sweet leisurely torment, backwards, forward. **(umm... backwards?)** ―Every time you move tomorrow, I want you to be reminded that I've been here. Only me. You are mine.‖I groan. **(Well you could always put a paper bag over his head. This one time at band camp...)**

―Please, Edward,‖ I whisper.

―What do you want, Isabella? Tell me.‖ **(I WANT A GOD DAMN CHEESEBURGER) **I groan again. He pulls out and moves slowly back into me, circling his hips once more. **(That sounds painful could he just start thrusting his weiner in her now or what?)**

―Tell me,‖ he murmurs.

―You. Please.‖

He increases the rhythm infinitesimally, and his breathing becomes more erratic. I can feel my insides quickening and Edward picks up the rhythm.**(Jesus just how fast is he going? Can you get pube burns?)**

―You.‖** (Is he talking to me?)**

―Are.‖ **(No sure that's my name)**

―So.‖** (How you doin?)**

―Sweet.‖ He murmurs between each thrust.**(Awww well ain't that the bee's knees)**

―I.‖**(Oh fuck here we go again.)**

―Want.‖**(My eyes are now burning and I think I may have a brain bleed)**

―You‖ **(NO! Not me. Don't you dare start talking to me again unless you have my cheeseburger) **

―So.‖ **(Asshole)**

―Much.‖ **(I feel mildly retarded now)**

I moan.**(Of course you do)**

―You.‖**(STOP IT!) **

―Are.‖**(Apparently I'm not the only one mildly retarded. I should get her helmet) **

―Mine. Come for me baby.‖**(Oh you dirty talker you. And SO generious)**

He growls.**(Grrrrr baby grrr)**

His words are my undoing, tipping me over the precipice. **(Can I tip her like a cow, over a cliff) **

My body convulses around him **(Oh shit she's having a seizure. Well at least she can keep her mouth shut now) **and I come, loudly, calling out a garbled version of his name into the mattress. **(I bet she's drooling. Bitches love drooling) **

Edward follows, two sharp thrusts, he freezes, pouring himself into me as he finds his release. He collapses on top of me, **(NO! You'll kill her! Oh wait) **his face in my hair. **(I feel like I've justt been traumatized with an animal planet mauling-matting ceremony)**

―Fuck… Bella,‖ he breathes.

He pulls out of me immediately and rolls onto his side of the bed. I pull my knees up to my chest, **(Say what? Fetal position FTW!) **utterly spent, and immediately drift off or pass out into an exhausted sleep.**(well which is it? Do you drift off or has he hit you over the head with his HUGE penis and you passed out?)**

**DAMN! And we're back! Do you guys feel all hot and bothered? I definitely feel bothered. **

**COMMENCEMENT AND TERM**

10 The Dominant and Submissive enter into this contract on The Commencement Date

fully aware of its nature and undertake to abide by its conditions without exception.

11 This contract shall be effective for a period of three Calendar Months from The

Commencement Date (―The Term‖). On the expiry of The Term the parties shall discuss

whether this contract and the arrangements they have made under this contract are

satisfactory and whether the needs of each party have been met. Either party may propose

the extension of this contract subject to adjustments to its terms, or to the arrangements

they have made under it. In the absence of agreement to such extension this contract shall

terminate and both parties shall be free to resume their lives separately.**(Fuck Im bored again)**

**AVAILABILITY**

12 The Submissive will make herself available to the Dominant from Friday evenings

through to Sunday afternoons each week during the Term at times to be specified by the

Dominant (―the Allotted Times‖). Further allocated time can be mutually agreed on an ad

hoc basis. **(I want to replace hoc with cock so bad) **

13 The Dominant reserves the right to dismiss the Submissive from his service at any time

and for any reason. The Submissive may request her release at any time, such request to be

granted at the discretion of the Dominant subject only to the Submissive's rights under

clauses 2-5 and 8 above. **(I'm no longer reading any of this, just making mindless comments)**

**LOCATION (Only one that matters is in her vagina right?)**

14 The Submissive will make herself available during the Allotted Times and agreed

additional times at locations to be determined by the Dominant. The Dominant will ensure

that all travel costs incurred by the Submissive for that purpose are met by the Dominant.

**SERVICE PROVISIONS (On her knees? Over the sink? There are a lot of words here)**

15 The following service provisions have been discussed and agreed and will be adhered to

by both parties during the Term. Both parties accept that certain matters may arise which

are not covered by the terms of this contract or the service provisions, or that certain

matters may be renegotiated. In such circumstance further clauses may be proposed by way

of amendment. Any further clauses or amendments must be agreed, documented and signed

by both parties and shall be subject to the fundamental terms set out at clauses 2-5 above.

**DOMINANT (Yes please)**

15.1 The Dominant shall make the Submissive's health and safety a priority at all times.

The Dominant shall not at any time require, request, allow or demand the Submissive to

participate at the hands of the Dominant in the activities detailed in Appendix 2 or in any

act that either party deems to be unsafe. The Dominant will not undertake or permit to be

undertaken any action which could cause serious injury or any risk to the Submissive's life.

The remaining sub-clauses of this clause 15 are to be read subject to this proviso and to the

fundamental matters agreed in clauses 2-5 above.

15.2 The Dominant accepts the Submissive as his property to own, control, dominate, and

discipline during the Term. The Dominant may use the Submissive's body at any time

during the Allotted Times or any agreed additional times in any manner he deems fit,

sexually or otherwise.

15.3 The Dominant shall provide the Submissive with all necessary training and guidance

in how to properly serve the Dominant.**(Boys have a penis. Girls have a vagina)**

15.4 The Dominant shall maintain a stable and safe environment in which the Submissive

may perform her duties in service of the Dominant.

15.5 The Dominant may discipline the Submissive as necessary to ensure the Submissive

fully appreciates her role of subservience to the Dominant and to discourage unacceptable

conduct. The Dominant may flog, spank, whip or corporally punish the Submissive as he

sees fit, for purposes of discipline, for his own personal enjoyment, or for any other reason,

which he is not obliged to provide.**(Did you know that if you don't 'exercise your penis often you lose the ability to have erections? Something to think about Eddie)**

15.6 In training and in the administration of discipline, the Dominant shall ensure that no

permanent marks are made upon the Submissive's body nor any injuries incurred that may

require medical attention.

15.7 In training and in the administration of discipline, the Dominant shall ensure that the

discipline and the instruments used for the purposes of discipline are safe, shall not be used

in such a way as to cause serious harm and shall not in any way exceed the limits defined

and detailed in this contract.**(I bet Eddie would enjoy a good prostate exam. Slaps on my gloves. Or maybe I'd enjoy giving him one.)**

15.8 In case of illness or injury, the Dominant shall care for the Submissive, seeing to her

health and safety, encouraging and when necessary ordering medical attention when it is

judged necessary by the Dominant.

15.9 The Dominant shall maintain his own good health and seek medical attention when

necessary in order to maintain a risk-free environment

15.10 The Dominant shall not loan his Submissive to another Dominant.

15.11 The Dominant may restrain, handcuff, or bind the Submissive at any time during the

Allotted Times or any agreed additional times for any reason and for extended periods of **(****On average, a limp penis will increase in volume 300% when it is erect)**

15.12 The Dominant will ensure that all equipment used for the purposes of training and

discipline shall be maintained in a clean, hygienic and safe state at all times.

**SUBMISSIVE (Australia's Walibri tribesmen say hello by shaking one another's penises**

15.13 The Submissive accepts the Dominant as her owner and renounces to the Dominant

her freedom voluntarily, relinquishing all rights, personal choice and free will to the

Dominant, with the understanding that she is now the sole property of the Dominant, to be

dealt with as the Dominant pleases during the Term generally but specifically during the

Allotted Times and any additional agreed allotted times.

15.14 The Submissive shall obey the rules (―the Rules‖) set out in Appendix 1 to this

agreement.~ 160 ~

15.15 The Submissive shall serve the Dominant in any way the Dominant sees fit and shall

endeavour to please the Dominant at all times to the best of her ability.

15.16 The Submissive shall take all measures necessary to maintain her good health and

shall request or seek medical attention whenever it is needed, keeping the Dominant

informed at all times of any health issues that may arise.

15.17 The Submissive will ensure that she procures oral contraception and ensure that she takes it as and when prescribed to prevent any pregnancy.**(****Aromas reputed to increase penile blood flow: licorice, pumpkin pie, lavender, donuts, and chocolate.)**

15.18 The Submissive shall accept without question any and all disciplinary actions

deemed necessary by the Dominant and remember her status and role in regard to the

Dominant at all times.

15.19 The Submissive shall not touch or pleasure herself sexually without permission from

the Dominant.

15.20 The Submissive shall submit to any sexual activity demanded by the Dominant and

shall do without hesitation or argument.

15.21 The Submissive shall accept whippings, floggings, spankings, **(Yes please) **caning, paddling or any other discipline the Dominant should decide to administer, without hesitation, inquiry or complaint.**(can I at least call you daddy? Will you be pulling my hair?)**

15.22 The Submissive shall not look directly into the eyes of the Dominant except when

specifically instructed to do so. The Submissive shall keep her eyes cast down and maintain

a quiet and respectful bearing in the presence of the Dominant.

15.23 The Submissive shall always conduct herself in a respectful manner to the Dominant

and shall address him only as Sir, Mr. Cullen or such other title as the Dominant may

direct. **(Daddy suits me just. Or Van Halen Ohhh Ed McMahon)**

15.24 The Submissive will not touch the Dominant without his express permission to do so.

**ACTIVITIES**

16 The Submissive shall not participate in activities or any sexual acts that either party

deems to be unsafe or any activities detailed in Appendix 2.

17 The Dominant and the Submissive have discussed the activities set out in Appendix 3

and recorded in writing on Appendix 3 their agreement in respect of them.

**SAFEWORDS~ (Slic Folds. Oklahoma. Biscut. Salamander. Bareback. Tea Time.)**

17 The Dominant and the Submissive recognize that the Dominant may make demands of

the Submissive that cannot be met without incurring physical, mental, emotional, spiritual,

or other harm at the time the demands are made to the Submissive. In such circumstances

related to this, the Submissive may make use of a safeword (―The Safeword (s)‖). Two

Safewords will be invoked depending on the severity of the demands.

18 The Safeword ―Yellow‖ will be used to bring to the attention of the Dominant that the

Submissive is close to her limit of endurance.**(I HATE YELLOW)**

19 The Safeword ―Red‖ will be used to bring to the attention of the Dominant that the

Submissive cannot tolerate any further demands. When this word is said, the Dominant's

action will cease completely with immediate effect.**(FUCK RED I wanna use BISCUT)**

**CONCLUSION (Oh thank fuck!)**

20 We the undersigned have read and understood fully the provisions of this contract. We

freely accept the terms of this contract and have acknowledged this by our signatures

below.

_**Eddie McMahon**_

The Dominant: Edward Cullen

Date

_**AnaBella Smith**_

The Submissive: Isabella Swan

Date

APPENDIX 1

**RULES (Fuck the rules! I want sex NOW!) **

Obedience: The Submissive will obey any instructions given by The Dominant

immediately without hesitation or reservation and in an expeditious manner. The

Submissive will agree to any sexual activity deemed fit and pleasurable by the Dominant

excepting those activities which are outlined in hard limits (Appendix 2) She will do so

eagerly and without hesitation.

Sleep: The Submissive will ensure she achieves a minimum of eight hours sleep a night

when she is not with The Dominant.

Food: The Submissive will eat regularly to maintain her health and wellbeing from a

prescribed list of foods (Appendix 4). The Submissive will not snack between meals, with

the exception of fruit.**(CHEESEBURGER PLEASE) **

Clothes: During the Term, the Submissive will wear clothing only approved by The

Dominant. The Dominant will provide a clothing budget for The Submissive, which The

Submissive shall utilize. The Dominant shall accompany the Submissive to purchase

clothing on an ad hoc basis. If the Dominant so requires the Submissive shall during the

Term wear adornments the Dominant shall require, in the presence of the Dominant and

any other time the Dominant deems fit.

Exercise: The Dominant shall provide The Submissive with a personal trainer four times a

week in hour-long sessions at times to be mutually agreed between the personal trainer and

The Submissive. The personal trainer will report to The Dominant on The Submissive's

progress.**(lifting the cheeseburger to my mouth counts right?)**

Personal Hygiene/Beauty: The Submissive will keep herself clean and shaved and/or waxed

at all times. The Submissive will visit a beauty salon of The Dominant's choosing at times

to be decided by The Dominant, and undergo whatever treatments The Dominant sees fit.

All costs will be met by The Dominant.

Personal Safety: The Submissive will not drink to excess, smoke, take recreational drugs or

put herself in any unnecessary danger.**(She trips over her own feet. Get her a walker)**

Personal Qualities: The Submissive will not enter into any sexual relations with anyone

other than The Dominant. The Submissive will conduct herself in a respectful and modest

manner at all times. She must recognize that her behaviour is a direct reflection on The

Dominant. She shall be held accountable for any misdeeds, wrongdoings and misbehavior

committed when not in the presence of the Dominant.

Failure to comply with any of the above will be result in immediate punishment, the nature

of which shall be determined by The Dominant.**(Just spank me and we'll call it a day)**

APPENDIX 2

Hard Limits **Anal cheese**

No acts involving fire play.** Well you suck.**

No acts involving urination or defecation and the products thereof.**Golden Showers can be nice you selfish prick!**

No acts involving needles, knives, cutting, piercing or blood.** You like pain. Don't lie.**

No acts involving children or animals. **There was this one time at a Donkey Show.**

No acts that will leave any permanent marks on the skin. **So tattooing my name on your penis would be considered bad?**

No acts involving breath control.**CHOKE ME! Please. I can't take much more. **

No activity that involves the direct contact of electric current (whether alternating or

direct), fire or flames to the body. **No battery cables to the nipples. Got it. **

APPENDIX 3

Soft Limits

To be discussed and agreed between both parties:

Which of the following sexual acts are acceptable to the Submissive?

- Masturbation **I call use of the glass and steel dildo NOW!**

- Fellatio **On your knees WOMAN!**

- Cunnilingus

- Vaginal intercourse** Cause penile intercourse is a hard limit.**

- Vaginal fisting** Dirty girl.**

- Anal intercourse **PREPARE YOUR ANUS!**

- Anal fisting **That's gonna take some preparing and butter. LOTS of butter.**

Is swallowing semen acceptable to the Submissive? **Can I get pregnant from this?**

Is the use of sex toys acceptable to the Submissive? **See above?**

-Vibrators **Are gods gift to wome.**

- Dildos** Of glass and steel.**

- Butt Plugs **Do they have one for her mouth?**

- Other **Gerbling. Im gonna need a tube and butter and a willing gerbil. **

Is Bondage acceptable to the Submissive?

- Hands in front **Are you gonna fist me... I mean frisk me?**

- Hands behind back **Okay fist me. **

- Ankles** Ohhh kinky**

- Knees** Spread me WIDE OPEN!**

- Elbows **OW!**

- Wrists to ankles **You have a lot of faith in my flexibility **

- Spreader bars **Is this like snickers bars? Now Im hungry!**

- Tied to furniture **As long a you don't expect me to move it. Lazy bitch right here.**

- Blindfolding **You romantic you!**

- Gagging **PLEASE GAG HER!**

- Bondage with Rope **Butter me up and Im all yours!**

- Bondage with Tape **Maybe**

- Bondage with handcuffs/metal restraints **Well okay but again I must be able to call you daddy.**

- Bondage with leather cuffs **Dont be a cheap bastard and use pleather. **

- Suspension **Circus freak!**

What is the Submissive's general attitude about receiving pain? Where 1 is likes intensely

and 5 is dislikes intensely: 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 **Oh god the choices! 15!**

How much pain does the submissive want to receive? Where 1 is none and 5 is severe: 1 –

2 – 3 – 4 – 5 **Again with the choices! Im not answering this one. Fuck you!**

Which of the following types of pain/punishment/discipline are acceptable to the

Submissive?

-Spanking **Bites nails. **

- Paddling **oh like boating. I accept motorboating. **

- Whipping **Cream?**

- Caning** Candy? Fuck now Im hungry... again.**

- Biting **I know what you are. VAMPIRE! **

- Nipple clamps** Tassels. **

- Genital clamps **We could have such a beautiful relationship together. **

- Ice **In my tea.**

- Hot wax **On my vagina.**

- Other types/methods of pain **I do like battery acid poured over my vagina. **

Holy Fuck. I can't bring myself to even consider the food list. I swallow hard, my mouth

dry, and read it again.

**Cause ya know, Im mildly retarded. **

**FLAMES ARE WELCOME!**


End file.
